Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
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Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Erm…
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.