I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
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friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Pretty much! 😂👀
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up