In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
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*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
I see your IQ test came back negative
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.