9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
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You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
#Caturday
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.