Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
You Might Also Like
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
When your man makes a valid point
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Me too door. Me too.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.