Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
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A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
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The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?