@WhatsAGreenhorn

Who called them dentures and not substitooths?

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@Hello___Bella

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

@JohnLyonTweets

Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.

Disregard this if you are in prison.

@KeetPotato

me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”

@KevinSussman

My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.

@JohnLyonTweets

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.

@xtophercook

I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.

@LMemeit

You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.

@ObscureGent

Mugger: Give me everything you got

Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia