I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
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[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!