Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
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Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.