When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
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That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best