When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
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“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.