And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
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In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Grandmother clock.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!