And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
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Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
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The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
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I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.