@Pork_Chop_Hair

Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.

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@Breadery

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

@theB6Chronicles

WHAT DO WE WANT!?

A forum for passive aggressive behavior!

WHEN do we want it?

NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.

@Browtweaten

me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone

firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve

@BoomBoomBetty

Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.

@SamGrittner

I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.

@Jeffwni

Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.

@SwissArmyWife00

Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.

– Me, to the 5 yr old

@metickleu

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..

@UncleDuke1969

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.