Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
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Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Lol #dogsoftwitter
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.