[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”![]()
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Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
hackers play passwordle
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
my retirement plan is braless
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.