whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work

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‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys


Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song


The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.


G/F wanted sex.

Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.

And that’s how the fight started.


I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”


A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through


I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.


My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.


If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.