Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
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If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn