i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
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Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
when the buffet is more honest than your date
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
it must be school picture day
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.