A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
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Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Oops
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark