ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
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Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Lube but for my dry humor.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me: