*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
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I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.