You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
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How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists