Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
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Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Cheers Twitter.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween