Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
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*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.