sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
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me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….