Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
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I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?