Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
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CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard