People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
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I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran