People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
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A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
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*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:![]()
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
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My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Hey i am sexy to you now
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Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.