If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
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My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.