[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
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Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Still a very good boi….
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed