Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
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remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
(Musicians.)
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
my favorite genre of twitter
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake