@mommy_cusses *Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
@EndhooS Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
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@mommy_cusses 
@danoverhere My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
@ch000ch if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
@Proxic0n Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
@zorgod I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
@joejwest [on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
@VocabuLarry Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
@DamonHunzeker Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
@EndhooS Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
@AnkCoupleTO I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill