Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit

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*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”


My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.


if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer


Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.


I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.


[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
A: [choke slam noises]


Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.


Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”


Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.


I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill