therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
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[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font