[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
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Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead