A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
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My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.