Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
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If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.