What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
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why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.