Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
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I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.