@sock_holliday

Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE

Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?

Dad: Well it’s in my blood

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@Marlebean

He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”

Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.

@KeetPotato

[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”

@colleen_eileen

I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.

@envydatropic

You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside

@robyn_vo

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

@djdarrellripley

Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!

Me: You should post something on FaceBook.

Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.

Me:

@nPhelendriqal

This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*

@Book_Krazy

[interview]

“How would you describe your people skills?”

ME: I tend to drive others away.

“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”