I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
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Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
i was baptized in a car wash
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.