@rn_murse
@girlfr0g MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
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@girlfr0g 
@Midgetspar I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
@jordan_stratton WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
@Lowenaffchen My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
@Reverend_Scott Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
@E_lok44 I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
@VitaeArcanum I triple waxed for this?
@mellimelle My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
@Tharin_P You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
@ka_waltz anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra