THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
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*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
are there any atheist mantises?
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
we’re dead?
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
“you changed” bro i was 15
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy