are there any atheist mantises?
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Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
For cardio I live beyond my means.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.