[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
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6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
When I pack too much for a short trip.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?