Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
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[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
😜
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel