馃槣
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Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Everyone has that one friend they鈥檝e known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it鈥檚 too late to ask
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Cr猫me egg filling.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Every time I clean my dog鈥檚 water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I鈥檓 sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful