My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
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If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]