Why do meteors always land in craters?
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[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.