Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
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I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Food gives you energy to nap more.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.