Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
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Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.