Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
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congratulations to them
fired
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone