when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
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[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
What an awful time to have common sense.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends