this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
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I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
The cake is mightier than the sword.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
One venti cheeseburger please.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.