GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
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Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”