I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
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What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.