If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
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So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Blew my mind.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!