My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
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My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
me after eating Cheetos
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
never deleting this app.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this